999 – my wife needs a poo

Just a little story my husband now loves to dine out on – so I thought I would ruin his ability to giggle as he tells anyone else the whole story and get the truth out there as quickly as possible – and yes, it is slightly embarrassing.

Ollie was about 8 days old, it was morning (although mornings, afternoons, evenings and night times were just all one blur at that time) and suddenly I was gripped with uncontrollable pain in my stomach.  Baby in moses basket by the bed I was eating the pillow hoping it would stop.  It was worse than early contractions, worse than the worst hangover in the world (and I have had a few), I actually thought I was going to die.  As I was trying to consume the mattress Matt asked me what was wrong and all I could say was ‘it hurts’ so he called the doctor.  Now I know doctors are busy but they actually told him he could get an appointment for me at 9am a week on Thursday.  I think he thought about telling me this news before deciding to call an ambulance. I was convinced I had bits from being pregnant still inside me which had become infected and I was slowly dying from septicemia.

The ambulance men arrived and were absolutely lovely, poor guys, god knows what they thought of seeing me trying to hold a conversation with them while rolling around on the bed in agony – and all just in my pjs (it’s ok though because my dignity was still lurking around the maternity wing at the Royal Free Hospital waiting to be picked up).  They took all my stats, decided imminent death probably wasn’t an option and encouraged me to go to hospital.  I was still seeing the Grim Reeper right above me so jumped at the chance for a free ride in the ambulance.  We packed up Ollie, gave the neighbours a wave and I was wheeled into the vehicle – not sure I needed wheeling – but it made the ambulance men happy.  Once in the ambulance they asked me how I was feeling and I have to say the Grim Reeper was finishing his tea about to leave and I thought imminent death may not happen after all.

By the time we arrived at hospital I felt a total fraud and pretty much normal (as normal as you can feel with an 8 day old) they checked me over and over and over and could find nothing wrong so gave me some laxatives and sent me on my way.

So now we never need to mention this story again!!!!!!

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